Grief and Awakening
by marylwhit
Summary: "The dark, the silence, being alone - it gave permission for the nightmares to take hold of him. Remind him that she wasn't with him, and she wasn't coming back. That it was his fault." One-shot. Implied Jate.


**_Hi! Just another angsty one-shot. Implied Jate. Hope you enjoy it :)_**

**_x_**

**_Jangsty_**

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Everyday was the same for him.

He would get up from his blankets at first light, in the otherwise empty cave. He wouldn't sleep at all during the night, he couldn't even if he tried. The dark, the silence, being alone - it gave permission for the nightmares to take hold of him. Remind him that she wasn't with him, and she wasn't coming back. That is was his fault.

Then he would walk the jungle, aware that Sun, Hurley, Sawyer or whoever was responsible to discretely keep watch over him that day - make sure he didn't do anything stupid - was behind him, disguised in the trees.

And he would lie to himself, tell himself he was hunting - looking for boars - or trying to find some new fruit trees to pick clean. He lied, because it was easy. Because he could push the thoughts away until he reached his real destination - by _accident_, of course.

The edge of the cliff.

Everyday, he'd tell himself he wouldn't jump. And wouldn't - _really_.

He wasn't like her.

He was too scared. Too weak. As he neared the edge of the cliff each morning, his knees would shake and he would feel physically sick at the sight of the waves crashing against the cliff side. He wasn't sure if it was the height, or the memories of her broken body, sprawled out on the rocks below.

Jack shook the thoughts out of his head, backing away from the edge slowly, as he began to search the ground with downcast eyes. He instantly found it.

Her grave.

A simple wooden cross, and an equally simple beaded necklace hanging from it's outstretched arms.

Jack could remember the moment she died better than any other in his life. More than he wished too. They'd fought, and she died. She jumped because he had caused her too much pain.

The details didn't matter, but it didn't stop them from torturing his mind.

_The blood on the rocks, the screams - his screams - then silver sparkling slithers dancing before his eyes as he's pulled from the edge by sets of hands. His chest is tight, his head is dizzy and then there is black._

It didn't matter to Jack that Kate had always loved him. That her death wasn't anything to do with the fight they'd had two weeks prior. It only mattered that she was gone and that no one seemed to care - nearly a year on.

But Jack had promised her he'd never forget her. He promised _himself_, he'd never move on. So everyday, he came to visit her. In the morning, usually. The time she had jumped.

He pulled weeds, he placed flowers and talked to her about life on the island. He talked to her like she was sitting before him, and sometimes, he swore she was. He told her how much he missed her, voice in a whisper, as his fingers ran through the beads.

"_Why did you leave me?" _Jack asked, dejected. Broken. _"I can't do this Kate.. not without you. And they just don't understand."_

He had been too hurt to be angry. He still grieved her loss even after a year her death. Yet,as time began to past, he found himself feeling more and more angry. It was so easy for her. She _chose _to jump. She _chose _to leave him alone.

As his hands pulled tufts of fresh grass out of the dirt, throwing them at her cross in anger, he realized the only way he could see her again, was by choosing to.

Jack blinked back tears, his face contorted a mix of fear and guilt.

It had been a year since she had died, and he knew none of the others really depended on him anymore. They knew a part of him died with her. He had no obligations to any of them. Or really, to himself.

Standing up, and walking to the edge of the cliff, Jack steadied himself.

He chose not to look down, he chose to keep his eyes firmly planted on the horizon line. On the blue skies, the white clouds. He chose to jump.

He chose to die.

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**_Please R+R. I love reading your comments and opinions :)_**


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